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Towel Time Featuring Katy Perry, Rihanna and Surprise Guests (Probably)!

Showering is important. It's something you must do because if you don't you make my bus rides unbearable. Sure, sometimes you get soap in your eyes or you start to masturbate before realising the internet has killed your imagination, but that's not important, what is important is the following question: what do you do with a towel when you get out of the shower? Next question: why do you do that? No, shut up, I'll tell you why.

Style: Two-Towel Wraparound

A scene from the Chinese adaptation of Ghost.

What It Means: XX (not XXX or xXx)

I'm not gonna lie to you, and if you didn't already know I'm sorry you found out like this, but I think you may have a vagina. The good news is that if you do have a vagina and use this style you're biologically fine, the bad news is you're boring and poor. Yes, the two-towel wrap technique, while functional, screams "I cannot afford three towels". Your greedy, double-towelled ways clearly only halted by the financial ball and chain that is life in general - if you could you'd have ten towels. It is this deep psychological scar that causes you to wrap the towel tightly around your body as you are reminded of all those freezing-cold winters during your childhood that were spent toiling on potato farms (in past lives obviously). The towel around your head serves as a subconscious tinfoil hat as you desperately try to prevent your neuroses from being broadcast to every person for miles. You feel most at home in a Gulag. 

Sidenote: If you're a guy and you utilise this approach to drying, then you're simply outrageous - you go, girl!

Style: Bathrobe and Towel

"I own four Walt Disney heads and counting."

What It Means: You Shit The Ritz

Whoa! Who ordered the pizza with a marble crust and extra ivory? It must've been this woman! OK, so here we have a bathrobe and towel combo, which is the classiest thing since I created a gentlemen boxer in Fight Night Round 2 on the PS2 and named him Classius Clay. This is a person who hunts peasants, not pheasants. After finishing showering in their ivory tower your average bathrobe and towel user will then go on to drink a powershake made from the bodies of animals that saved a human from death by calling an ambulance. Their choice of dress isn't for the benefit of anybody else, it's simply a by-product of being born into a family so rich that when they're playing Monopoly and the designated banker goes for a piss they don't even steal money from the box. It's not a world you or I can relate to, and although you could purchase a bathrobe and try to capture this feeling, it would be as sad and hollow as dressing your pillow to look like your most recent obsession.

That's not what I wanted from a Google Image Search of 'Katy Pillow'.

Style: Wraparound

If my penis isn't magic then theirs aren't either.

What It Means: Jealous?

You might think that the simple waist-high wraparound is the male equivalent of the female two-towel system, but that's why you have a job and friends and I'm a high-flying, jet-setting Towel Psychologist. No, the male wraparound is all about the subject in question proudly displaying their abs, inviting the world to just try and grate cheese on those bad boys. The problem here is perception, primarily the warped perception held by most men that their stomach looks like a fleshy set of speedbumps when really they look more like a bag of cotton that somebody vomited into. This unwarranted confidence can be seen in virtually every other aspect of their life, including exaggerated claims of being able to piss higher than a basketball player and the assumption that you would know it was them when they send you a text from a new phone that simply reads "hey, got a new number". The typical wraparound adopter will never be able to understand opinions that aren't echoes of their own, and this is why it is impossible to save them from their own ignorance by showing them the light of other methods of drying. You can look at their abs and validate them, or ignore their torso altogether and let them think your distant stare stems from your embarrassment of that shit-box you call a stomach. It's best to simply leave room. 

Style: Cape Towel

This kid wants a vasectomy for Christmas.

What It Means: They Fucked Your Girlfriend

Holy shit! Just when you thought there was no right way to wear a towel here comes this kid with an illustration of how to not look like a moist twat after rubbing coconut-scented shit into your face for ten minutes. Now don't let the beach throw you; this kid is actually in his house, it's just that when wearing a towel as a cape all photos come out looking like this - it's like The Ring but dryer. If you're still in any doubt then let me convert you completely and address any doubts head-on. 

1. I don't take clothes into the bathroom with me.

You do now, asshole. Just take a pair of underwear in there with you then put them on before coming out of your bathroom looking like the chopper assault from Apocalypse Now in human form.

2. I'm not going to do that.

Tough customer? Well in truth taking in underwear for the post-shower dash to your bedroom was only for your prudish benefit, in all honesty this is best performed completely naked. If you wanna come out dick/tits swinging then I salute you. 

3. I live with other people.

Would those people mind if you put on a Broadway production-level performance of Les Misérables in the house? Art is art. 

4. Does it really matter?

I wish I had a class to kick you out of, but if you must know, yes it matters. We can learn a lot from seeing other people at their most vulnerable, and people seeing you exit a bathroom looking like Kal-El escaping Krypton on a rainy day will make them think twice before putting peanuts in your socks or challenging you to a knife fight - I don't know, I just know it's better if people fear you. 

Well I hope I've taught you all something and that you all keep these lessons in mind for the future. Anyway, I think that's all the major ways to utilise towels covered...

Get the fuck outta here, lady.

E3 2011

Do you feel that? Can you sense those Japanese programmers shitting their Japanese underwear at the thought of being made to give a speech to an audience and pretend that their game isn't a derivative turd with Kinect-compatibility forced upon it? Yes, it's E3 2011, and I'm giddy just thinking about all of the horrible presentations to come as a room full of nerds watch on with all the impassive detachment of a frog. In honour of this upcoming event here are a few of my favourite awkward E3 moments! 

They don't learn!